Depression and the Twelve Steps

By, Carol M.

I am an addict and a depressive. I wish I were manic depressive, but I have never experienced the up, just the down. Getting to the “almost OK” has been a struggle all my life. My first attempt at suicide was at eleven. Depression is a disease. In many ways it’s like addiction. Something goes wrong with your thinking, and a lot of it is chemical changes in the brain. When you use, people say, “control yourself.” When you’re down, the same people say, “snap out of it.” If I could have just snapped out of either one of these disease, I’d have done it long ago!

Now that I’m clean I don’t seem to have as many bouts with depression as I did, but when one comes, it hits like a sledge hammer because I’m used to having my head screwed on a little straighter. At first it seemed like it must be my fault and I wasn’t being sober “properly” (what ever that is). Now I’ve come to realize that being depressed is just something that happens to me, like catching a cold. Sometimes it last a couple of days. Sometimes it lasts a couple of days. Sometimes it lasts a couple of months. I have no idea why it hits or when it’s going to. What I have learned is to accept it.

I read Page 449 in the Big Book and when “it” hits, instead of trying to figure out what I’ve done wrong, I just accept that here I am experiencing depression again and try to do what I can get done (it really saps the energy) and put off the rest till later. I say my own versions of the first three steps over and over almost like a mantra.

“I admit I’m powerless over depression and my life is unmanageable.”

“I’ve come to believe that a Higher Power can restore me to sanity.”

“I turn my will, my life, and my depression over to the care of my Higher Power.”

It works.

Published in A New Leaf – March 1991

More Articles

  • Onward Sober Soldiers

    Written by, Anonymous I am engaged in a war with a beast that lives inside of me. It is old, born in the garden of Eden, enslaving all addicts. It is no coincidence that the Jewish holiday of Passover fell while I was detoxing, for this holiday celebrates the release of Jews from slavery. I…

    Onward Sober Soldiers
  • Gifts of the Program

    Written by, Terri R. I got my nine month chip at a Glendale MA meeting this week. I am the type of person who reflects on my progress whenever I reach a milestone like this. Course, I am very proud of myself. However, I’m also thinking of all the gifts I received from the program…

    Gifts of the Program
  • Love and Understanding

    Written by, Terry M. In the book, “The Road Less Traveled,” Scott Peck defines love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” One of the first things I remember being told when I reached these rooms was “we will love you until you learn…

    Love and Understanding
  • Thoughts from the Field 

    Written by, John H. I believe in myselfI believe that every action for myselfgives value to myselfand if you are willing to actin love of youI believe in you The story of my recovery is the story of desire. What I desired was life, for I was living without desire. I did not know who…

    Thoughts from the Field 
  • The Sandbar

    Written By, Anonymous She woke up and found herself alone in a rowboat, stranded on a sandbar with only food and water by her side. She wasn’t quite sure how she ended up there. She thought once the tide came in, “I can make my way to shore. I don’t need help or assistance.” As…

    The Sandbar
  • A New Leaf on Life

    Written By, Anonymous My journey into recovery starts as a pre-teen. I was a survivor of childhood cancer– a kidney cancer– and my parents were superstitious so they did not tell me about my cancer until my pediatrician shamed them about this when I turned 10, 6 years after my treatment. I did not know…

    A New Leaf on Life